Desperately seeking.
It is the reason I started this little thread of web for myself. Well, it wasn’t the original reason…but it was a truth I uncovered along the way-that I spent too much time and energy seeking that which I thought would bring me happiness + love-only to realize that it is myself, and only myself, who could lead me to it.
I have yet to end the journey. And, sometimes like tonight, it feels as if I’ve only just set out.
Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m up at this hour {4am} writing this here. I’ve already written in my journal {which I had to search for, last entry-June and before that- 2 years ago}. But for some reason I felt the need to get this out into the universe.
These truths keeping me awake:
Pain is a terrible awful thing. Pain that is not one’s own, thusly rendering me useless, is even more terrible and awful in that because of it I am not who I want to be.
At the end of this week I had only five dollars to my name. Instead of buying groceries or putting gas in the car, I bought a huge bag of peanut M&Ms and ate the whole bag in one day.
I caught sight of myself in the bedroom mirror tonight and was disgusted.
I’ve been a terrible awful friend of late. I blame it on feeling poorly but it’s no excuse. I’m short tempered. I raise my voice too easily and I’m annoyed. Offended. Frustrated. These are not the list of attributes I want associated with my person.
These things. These truths about me-they are not what I expected to find.
I am turning off comments to this post. It isn’t my intention to elicit a response…I’m simply sending this off to the universe so I can sleep. I hope you’ll understand.
