I’ve been toying with the idea of ditching this blog…I’ve been feeling as if, after five years in this space, that I’ve outgrown it- not that I’ve become bigger than it or have nothing left to share. It’s the name that I’d thought I’d grown out of. Is it such desperate search any more? At 36, shouldn’t I basically know who I am? I thought so….until Christmas Eve…when I went to church for the first time in years.
Attending church has been a hot topic in our household for the last three years and I’ve gotten out of it for as long. But a horrible week for Thom and sad memories that haunt him at this time of year combined with Christmas just made it impossible for me to avoid it any longer.
I knew what would happen even before the service started. It happens at funerals. It happens at weddings. It happens late at night when life seems so down and I am so desperate for faith that I try to bring myself to pray: I become so overly emotional that desperation fills my whole being until it overflows. The tears start and won’t stop. Snot pours out my nose. My breath quickens and I can’t breath properly. My heart fills with what I can only describe as desperation. I feel desperation in that I can’t believe. That I have no real faith. That I can’t believe in that which I can not see.
I haven’t shared this with anyone. Not even Thom.
I’m not sure when my lack of religion started…or ended…or whatever. I don’t remember a time when I did believe. I remember going to church with cousins and friends after having spent the night at their houses. I remember hearing the message being offered. But I don’t remember ever buying into it. I question too much, I guess. Why should I believe? Why should I just take your word for it? That there is a God. Just one Maker. That Jesus died for us. What makes Jesus different than modern day televangelists? How can those that claim to have faith and follow God, Jesus, Church, be so hypocritical when it comes to living life according to The Bible?
So, these are my demons {and if one can have demons then it should be a given that one can find some faith, no?}. These are the questions I have successfully avoided not only these last three years of living with a man filled with faith, but for years and years before that.
This isn’t coming out as eloquently as I had hoped. I’ve been writing and rewriting this post in my head from the moment the tears started flowing because I knew I’d have to explain myself as soon as the Christmas Eve service was over.
So I guess the desperate search isn’t really over for me. I guess, again, that what I’ve been so desperately searching for has been, yet again, the wrong thing.
It'll come say day, if you really want it to. In the meantime,just be ready. It's pretty overwhelming when faith takes hold. Love you!
MG
Honestly, I don't know how to respond to your experience, except to say I have been through the very same things (unexplained and uncontrollable tears and snot and all) and my search for "faith" or "spirituality", even at my age, continues today. I still ask myself the same questions you do. Maybe that's just going to be my lifelong process and if that is the case, I think I'm okay with that. I hope your journey is easier….but don't stop writing. Try the book "With Pen in Hand, the Healing Power of Writing" by Henriette Anne Kaluser (I got a used paperback on Amazon.com). I think you might find it helpful.
I was so sad when I read that you were going to quit blogging, but then I kept reading. Please don't stop blogging! I LOVE reading your blog.
I also understand what you mean about the tears and snot flowing! That happens to me a lot when I'm at church. I hope you'll continue writing and searching and finding out who you are b/c we are ALL doing that, no matter how old we are. Just when I think I have it figured out, life throws me a curve ball that keeps me moving and progressing and changing (even though those changes hurt sometimes).
You are a WONDERFUL person and I'm so glad we are blogging friends! 🙂
Hey Gina, first off let me say, don't quit blogging!!! Anytime I'm on the net I come on here and check out what you have to say 🙂 As for faith, that's a tricky one. It's okay to be unsure and to not know, and there are so many religions out there proclaiming they are "the right one" take your time, be a good person, and find someplace that makes you happy and makes you grow. You will be just fine my dear 🙂 Janae
As you can see, no one wants you to stop blogging – including me. I love reading your blog. And it's unfortunate that you're going through a time that is a bit difficult. I hear ya though, and sometimes feel like I have no faith – not just religion, but sometimes with myself as well. It's a life-long journey, I think. One where you constantly learn new things about yourself and about others.
I think writing is really cathartic and you should write more often and it may help! Just know that people are there for you (people that you also haven't physically met!) and you're really a wonderful person.
Everything will fall into place. 🙂
PS. Merry Belated Christmas – hope you had a great time. And I can relate with the homesickness…this Christmas was the first with none of my family close by (they all live so far away! Lol).